i can't sit still when my head is spinning lately. Getting nauseous from the fumes of expectancy and premonitions- feelings of regret like 'i could have definetly avoided that' are all too numerous. Don't get me wrong though- to this day i still regret no decision ive made, its just that....well, i guess with the good has to come the bad, or else the balance would be way off.
I believe in balance. I also believe that almost none of you reading this have any idea tangibly what im talking about, but thats ok. This uncommented tiny corner of the internet can for this post be just considered my vent space, because i no longer have someone to vent my frustrations/joys/pains/etc. to anymore.
But I do believe in balance, as my convenient astrological sign would suggest. And I sincerely do believe that 6 months from now I will look back at this cataclysmic blow to my life out here and understand it in some rhyme or reason- maybe not even 6 months but longer, or shorter. It will come though.
Nothing I can muster resembles any type of premonition as far as whats to come out of all of this. I do recognize the fact though that I have spent so much energy over the past 9 months making someone as happy as I could, maybe those energies could (and should) be directed to something more constructed and creative in my life, and perhaps in turn be a more fruitful endeavor? I can't say.
What I have and can say is though that I do sincerely regret nothing, and everything happens for a reason. The hardest thing for me personally however is letting things play themselves out. I remember starting college in Chicago, an excited 20 year old, walking by a wall outside my first classes. The energy of the city was so alive with potential- i was excited as to what the city could (and would) offer me, but moreso I was excited to see what the city would do to me- or better put my understanding and perspective in life. That period of my life felt like a horizon, where I could look on to infinity but the glare was so strong my eyes would squint to even catch a glimpse. Anyways, I walked by a wall outside my first class, to bear the words tagged in large and intrusive lettering, questioning the reader "have you ever forced it?" To be honest, at the time I was looking for the joke in it. After 4 years there I definetly began to understand what it meant, but now- i think 7 years since that moment.....well let's just say thats only one of the definitions ive read in the past to be learned in the future....
